Have you ever a experienced a moment of such happiness that it almost overwhelms you and you feel sad?
I had a moment like that on my honeymoon. We were in our hotel room overlooking the beach and the magical private garden that we had. I’m standing there with my husband and thinking just how perfect the moment is when the happiness temporarily consumed me.
Then I briefly panicked because I thought how could my life ever possibly get better than the minute I was currently living in? And if it’s not getting better, does that not mean it will definitely get worse?
Oh the joys of being an anxious, neurotic one woman freak show.
Anyway, the rest of our honeymoon passed in absolute bliss but then we arrived home where I had an entirely new thing to direct all my scary anxious energy at.
WHO AM I?
No, seriously, who am I? Right now I’m still legally Rachel Caroline Deacons. But soon I’m going to post my new passport form with my new name alongside 75 pound so that the cash-grabbing arseholes at Her Majesty’s Revenue and Customs can CHANGE MY NAME.
And boy did I deliberate about what to change my name to. For a long time I wanted to keep my surname as it is because for a long time it’s been me. People have referred to me by surname, it’s aligned me with my mum and connected me to my childhood, the idea of trading it in for another name almost felt like a betrayal of my own identity.
But then the idea of having the same name as my partner and forming a new family with him grew on me, like a fungus, it was not all so black and white anymore.
Really what I desperately wanted to do was hyphenate my name. Best of both worlds right? The feminist in me would be appeased yet I would still kind of be following tradition, perfect right? RIGHT? Wrong. Because Deacons-Matthews is a RIDICULOUS surname, that no one would ever be bothered to say in full.
It’s a tough choice, amirite? #firstworlddilemma
So I have come up with this almighty equally ridiculous compromise to keep my surname as a middle name and take Matthews as my only surname.
It’s all kinds of brilliant, crazy, stupid right?
Anywho, the past two years have been insane for me. I somehow managed to get myself a lifelong chronic illness AND a husband. Ironically, both of these things now define me and will change me as a person. But let’s focus on the positive one out of those two. I am now a wife and as much as it’s scary as all dang hell, this will define me for the rest of my life. I will now be known as “Shane’s wife”, just as he will be referred to as “Rachel’s husband.” I am part of a gruesome twosome and many of my decisions will be based around this partnership.
I know, that essentially I am the same person regardless of what my name is. But how people view me from now on will be different, and as I move into the next phase of my life maybe how I view myself will change.
So, who am I? Well I guess I’m still figuring it out, aren’t we all always figuring out who we are? But I’m pretty sure I’m fabulous regardless.
And so are you all my fellow peeps on the internet!
Have a lovely evening interweb,