Online Diary No.3 – Fighting, Forgiving, Forgetting

 

I am an excellent fighter, I can even forgive sometimes, but I can’t forget.

And this is a problem.  Days after forgiving someone, I find myself still rolling the argument/situation around in my head.  Analysing it from every angle.  I can feel myself sinking into a spiral and yet I can’t seem to stop myself.

But if so and so knew this why would they do that?

Are they lying to me?

What’s wrong with me?

I should have said this, I should have done that.

What does it even  matter, I don’t care anyway.

Yes, I really, really do. 

Around and around it goes.

I go through periods in my life where anxiety overtakes me.  Weeks or even months go by where I feel as though something heavy is sitting on my chest and an invisible dark cloud is hovering above my head.

I find myself trapped inside my own mind.  I question my own actions, I question the people around me; their motives, their feelings.  I wake up and from the second I open my eyes to the moment I shut them the world, it feels, is against me.

Eventually something snaps me out of it, and I can go six/seven months (even a year) before the next relapse.

It’s easy to drown in the negatives and believe the worst in yourself and the people around you.

It’s easier to fight than it is to truly forgive and forget.

Yet this is a lesson I must learn for my own sake more that anyone else’s. Because holding onto anger and reliving the situation in your own mind only causes you pain.  And you’re the one who was hurt to begin with, so where is the sense in that?

Stop punishing yourself with your own thoughts.

I’m not saying don’t be angry and I’m not saying you can’t be upset when you have every right to be so.  What I’m saying is that it reaches a point where you have to draw a line in the sand and say enough is enough.  I have to move on from this now.  

Because people are messy and they make mistakes, and even those closest to us can hurt us.  Just as we, in turn, can hurt them.

So distract yourself, every time you feel your thoughts drifting to the subject that makes your heart beat too erratically, and summons that queasy feeling to your chest, listen to a song that makes you smile, read a favourite book, call someone you love.

Make a list of what it is that is upsetting you.  Then rip it into tiny pieces.

Make a list of all the things that makes you smile, and plaster it somewhere you can see it every morning.

Distractions.  Go out and try not to wallow.

Eventually my anxiety and anger will fade, day by day it will get a little easier until one day I’ll realize that it has gone completely.

Fighting is natural.  Forgiving is necessary.  Forgetting comes with time.

So for New Years my resolution is to try and open myself for forgiveness to those who deserve it.  My resolution is to love more and hate less.  Because sometimes people are stupid, and sometimes people are thoughtless and it hurts.

But I believe we can make it hurt less if we try.

Happy New Year people of the interweb,

Rachel xxx

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